


Eden in Arlen

by Hogmisty



Category: Far Cry 5, King of the Hill
Genre: Cults, Eden's Gate, Gen, Guns, Propane, Texas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24305131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hogmisty/pseuds/Hogmisty
Summary: A new group has rolled into Arlen and it isn't long before they come to clash with the town's proudest patriarch, Hank Hill. Soon Hank will come to realise that these Peggies are very different from the Peggy he's used to dealing with and it'll all be up to him to take down the diabolical Seed family and their doomsday cult.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

Hank was drawn to Bobby's room by the sound of music. It wasn't the usual garbage the boy listened to but some good country sounding music. "Howdy, son, watcha listenin' to there?"

"Dad! There were these guys in the middle of town giving away these free CDs! They were wearing funny clothes and talking about a whole bunch of stuff and they make this cool music!"

"Hwut are they, some kinda theatre group?" Hank asked, his initial smile drooping into a mild frown.

"I don't know about that dad. They were talking about how the government has failed us and that we can free ourselves from sin with the power of "yes"! They seemed really happy."

"Huh. Maybe they're some kind of Christian theatre group. That mightn't be so bad."

"Well, if you're interested they said they have a compound outside of town where they can preach and practise with their rifles an-"

"Whoa, hold on there, boy. 'Compound'? Nothing good ever came out of meeting at a compound, son. And outside of Arlen? What's wrong with meeting in Arlen? I don't want you sniffing around these people Bobby. What were their names?"

"Eden's Gate, dad. Hey, dad...? Can I keep the CD?"

"No. I don't want you joining up with a group just because they have good music. That's how we ended up with the Manson family. Unless these guys are endorsed by Willie Nelson, you can forget it."

Later that day, Hank met his buddies, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer out in the alley for some beers.

"Yup."

"Yep."

"Mm-hmm."

"Yup."

They paused and sipped their drinks thoughtfully.

"So anyway, Bobby was listening to this weird gospel music and talking about this strange group who've come to town."

"Don't let him listen, Hank! They're probably from the government and are trying to turn Bobby into a sleeper agent by encoding his young mind with secret messages in their so-called 'music'." Dale responded, taking a drag on his cigarette. "Play their songs backwards, I bet what you'll hear will shock you to your core."

"Nah, I don't think they're from the government. Apparently, they were talking about how bad the government is."

"Hmmm, anti-government government agents, eh? They're either craftier than a fox or... they're the real deal. I'll have my associates look into them." Dale said.

"I saw them too man, all looking dang ol' spry, talkin' 'bout all mental positivity man, an' they got girls there too I tell you whut." Boomhauer said.

"Yeah, when I was in town I saw them there as well. They all looked so calm and happy. It looked like a real nice community they've put together." Said Bill with a dreamy look on his face.

"Community...? Dang it Bill, _we_ have a community. _They_ live in a compound outside of Arlen. I don't like it, it sounds like cult stuff."

"Now, now, Hank. Don't jump to wild, crazy conclusions like you always do." Dale said, turning to Hank, raising his sunglasses lenses to look Hank in the eye. "I tell you what. Me, Boomhauer and Bill will go and check these guys out and see if they're on the level. We wouldn't wanna join- I mean, we wouldn't want Bobby to join these guys unless they were 100% legitimate."

Boomhauer nodded at this. "Dagnab right man better go and check 'em out 'n' see if they're down with that dang ol' free lovin' man, lettin' go of inhibitions y'know whut i'm sayin'."

"I'd like to see what these guys are all about too. Don't worry Hank, you can rely on us!" Bill exclaimed.

Hank sighed but said nothing. Better that grown, responsible men investigated these Eden's Gate guys than Bobby. But in lieu of grown, responsible men, Hank's friends would do.

The next day, Dale, Boomhauer and Bill drove off to check out the Eden's Gate compound. Hank watched them go. The day wore on and turned to evening and there was still no sign of them returning.

Hank let out a long sigh. There was trouble brewing, he just knew it.

"Dang it."


	2. Chapter 2

Despite Hank's growing concern, his buddies returned from the Eden's Gate compound outside of Arlen the day after they'd left, late in the afternoon.

Given that they'd spent more than 24 hours in the headquarters of what was  at best a very intense outdoor pursuits club and at worst (and more likely) some kind of doomsday cult, Hank had expected his friends to be more haggard. But when they gathered in the alley to discuss things they looked downright chirpy.

"Hwell, what did you guys find out? You were gone long enough. If you don't know what the deal is with these Eden's Gate people by now I'm gonna kick your asses."

"Hank. It. Is. _Amazing_." Replied Dale. "These dudes are the real deal. They talked all about the government and their secret plan to nuke the US and renew control over the country after mass societal collapse. Nothing I didn't already know myself, _of course_ , but it's nice to find other people who share my inquiring nature."

"Yeah man and I tell you somethin' else they got plenty of them there outdoor pursuits man, fresh air and exercise. I feel dang ol' renewed man, power of "yes" I tell you hwut." Boomhauer drawled.

"And they're all so nice and so friendly. For the first time I felt like I truly belonged to something greater than myself." Said Bill in a dreamy voice.

"Something greater than yourself? Doggone it, Bill, you're in the army!" Hank shook his head in annoyance. "So what if they're friendly and they like the outdoors and they don't trust the government? Dagnabbit, that could describe half of Arlen!" Hank blurted, frustrated with his friends' vagueness.

"Well, we'll have more information for you soon Hank. I'm working on infiltrating the upper levels. We only came back to get some necessary supplies." Dale replied.

"Supplies? Like hwut?"

"Oh, you know, money, guns... Well, that's basically all they told us to bring. Worldly possessions are just holding us all back, apparently." Said Bill. "I was also gonna bring some scissors too because some of the guys at the compound could use a haircut."

"And what about you, Boomhauer? Did they trick you in to going back to them, too?" Hank turned to look at Boomhauer, usually the most level headed of his friends.

"Hey come on man  I'm just going on back there to get s'more of those dang ol' positive vibes man and check out the girls y'know what  I'm sayin'. Makes me feel dagnab ol' good, man."

Hank just shook his head and sighed as his friends disposed of their empty beer cans and left the alley. Bobby wandered over.

"Hey dad, where are Mr. Gribble and Mr. Dauterive and Mr. Boomhauer going?"

"They're going off to do something stupid so you won't have to Bobby."

"What's that supposed to mean dad."

"Aw, nothing son. Just... make sure to learn from their mistakes. Because dang it, they're about to make some big ones."

"Well, maybe you should tell Luanne to learn as well."

"Yeah, maybe I shou- Wait, hwut? What's Luanne gone and done?"

Hank's attention was drawn back to his home where he heard some cries of commotion. He walked inside to find Peggy arguing with Luanne.

"Because they appreciate my  _pure spirit_ and  _artistic talents_ , Aunt Peggy!" Luanne shouted as Hank wandered over. She was packing possessions into a small backpack.

"Mm hmm, and if they appreciated your willingness to jump off a cliff, would you go and do that for them too Luanne, would you?" Peggy retorted, arms crossed.

"You know what? I might! At least they'd believe I could do it! At least they'd believe that I would be good at jumping off of things, unlike you!" Luanne grabbed the last of her possessions and stomped out of her room and out of the house.

Peggy grunted in exasperation and stomped over to her husband.

"Hank, that girl has got some silly ideas in her head. Apparently some strange fella with a man-bun," She shuddered at the mention of the hairstyle, "came up to her after church and began complimenting her on her Manger Babies, saying she'd be a great children's entertainer with his group."

"Aw, come on Peggy, he might have a point..." Said Hank, eyeing up Luanne's room which used to be his study and might be again if the girl moved out.

"He's a complete stranger Hank! He just rolled into town out of nowhere and now he's inviting Luanne out into some woodland commune with him!"

"Hwell, those media types can be a little weird- Wait, woodland commune? Aw, dang it. I think you're right Peggy, this guy might be connected with those wackos who've set up outside of Arlen."

"Well of course  I'm right Hank. I usually am. Peggy Hill didn't win numerous Substitute-Teacher Of The Year Awards by being  _wrong_ all the time." Replied Peggy, arms folded proudly.

Hank sighed deeply. "I'll go and get her back. Explain the situation to her."

He wandered out of the house to go and look for his niece, but he didn't have to search for very long. He saw her in the passenger seat of Boomhauer's car just as the man was pulling out of his driveway, ready to follow Dale and Bill who were in Dale's van.

Luanne leaned out the window with a smile and shouted "Goodbye Uncle Hank! Wish me luck on my spiritual artistic awakening!" Before Boomhauer drove off down the street.

Dale followed Boomhauer. As he pulled out into the road to follow his friend, Bill leaned out of the van's window with a smile and shouted "Goodbye Hank! Wish me luck too!" Before Dale started to drive off back to the Eden's Gate compound.

Dale shouted out of the window as he drove. "Don't worry Hank! Once I'm part of the inner circle of this group  I'll make sure to let you in on a piece of the action!" Then he put his foot down and sped off after Boomhauer.

Once again, Hank watched his friends ride off into the sunset to do something stupid. And somehow Hank knew that it wouldn't be so easy to get them back the second time around.

Maybe if it was just his three friends he'd let them stay in the compound a while before going to get them back, just to teach them a lesson. But this time they'd taken Luanne with them.

And that meant Peggy would make him go to get them back tomorrow.

Hank sighed, deeply.

"Dang it."


	3. Chapter 3

Hank rolled up to the compound the next day. Two heavyset men stood guard outside the entrance. They had blank faces that seemed too dumb to be bored.

Hank got out of his car and tried to give off the same friendliness he used on customers to sell them propane and propane accessories.

"Well howdy, fellas. Hey listen, I believe there's been some kind of a mix-up. You see, my three friends came to join your... uh... Outdoor activities group but they brought my niece, Luanne with them when they weren't supposed to. And I would appreciate- Well, my wife would appreciate y'all giving her back. That girl just ain't right." He finished with a little chuckle.

That had gone well, he thought. They'd listened thoughtfully to the entire proposal. Hank Hill was a salesman and dang it, when he made a pitch people bought in.

Well, except these two knuckleheads, apparently.

"You can't go in. Members only, sir." One said, shortly. "Unless you're here to join."

"Here to- Gotdangit, I'm not here to join! Didn't you hear what I just-"

Before he finished, a thought struck Hank. It was cunning, risky and daring, but it might just work...

"Um... Which is to say... Yes! I'm here to join you fellas! You just convinced me, right this second."

The two guards nodded at him and stood aside to let him pass. Hank stared blankly for a moment. Then he walked in.

It wasn't quite what he expected. Everything was very neat and tidy and well-kept. Hank had thought it would be much dirtier. It was more like a boot camp than some kind of cult headquarters. People were milling around talking whilst others trained in the background, all wearing clothes with the same cross logo on it somewhere. There was smiling and laughter and a general atmosphere of positivity. Hank didn't trust any of it.

He saw Dale standing by a barrel fire with some of his fellow morons. He was cooking a sausage over it. The sausage caught fire and Dale used it to relight his cigarette. Then he went back to explaining one of his crazy conspiracy theories to seemingly attentive listeners. Probably something about how the government was putting olive oil in the drinking water to turn everyone Italian.

He saw Hank come over and gave him a nod.

"Hello Hank. I knew you'd join me at some point."

"Dang it, Dale, I'm not here to join you, I'm here for Luanne. Preferably, I'd like to get _all_ of you out of here."

"Face it, Hank. We're happy here, all of us. Eden's Gate is a paradise and I will never think otherwise. _Never_. Besides, Luanne's with The Father. You'll never get to him, even I haven't been allowed to talk to him and I'm in this at the top level. These people know how to appreciate Dale Grib- Uh... Rusty Shackleford."

Hank was about to retort but before he could a smiling woman walked up.

"Hi, are you the new recruit?" She asked Hank.

"Um... Yes, I am..." He said, half-heartedly.

"Wonderful." She said. Then she raised a can of spray paint and a stencil and swiftly sprayed the cult logo on to Hank's white shirt.

"Bwah!" Hank cried out.

"Excellent! Now, once you come back with guns, money and any other offerings you can think of, we'll initiate you into the family. More white shirts too, they're good for spray-painting. Welcome!" The woman smiled broadly.

"Yeah Hank, join the family!" Dale agreed. "And bring Peggy and Bobby, a family shouldn't be separated!"

"Dang it, Dale, _you_ have a wife and son, too! You forgot to bring them!" Hank chastised. He turned to leave, shaking his head.

"Don't worry, I'll be back and I'll definitely bring a gun with me." He said as he walked away.

"That's wonderful, see you soon!" The chirpy woman called out after him.

Hank investigated a little further, but anything that looked suspicious was guarded by more burly men. He couldn't find Boomhauer. Annoyed about his friends and the cult and a perfectly good shirt that had been ruined, Hank went back to his car and left.

* * *

Two days had passed since Hank had visited the compound. Despite his earlier words about returning with his gun, he realised that attempting to fight an entire cult on his own would probably be a bad idea. The authorities were no help either, all the people who joined the cult had done so of their own volition and so far they'd done nothing wrong.

So once he returned home he'd tried formulating a plan to get his friends back, some way of persuading them that life in Arlen was better than life in Eden.

He was currently in the middle of writing a persuasive list of all the things which would convince his friends and niece to return. Just as he finished writing out 'cooking fresh steaks on a grill with a good, clean-burning fuel' someone began knocking furiously on his door.

"Hank! Hank, let me in! Haaaaaank!" The familiar voice of Dale cried out in distress. Hank allowed himself a smirk and went to open the door. When he did, Dale tumbled into the house, dirty and dishevelled. Hank turned to speak to the man.

"I thought you'd be at your precious compound, Dale. What's the matter, I thought that Eden's Gate was a paradise and that you'd never think otherwise. Hwat, does never mean two days over there?"

"I'm so sorry Hank." Dale cried whilst clinging to Hank's shirt. "I should never have gone with them. I told them, Hank, I was there because if they were gonna bring about the new world order then I wanted in at the top level. Top. Level. But instead they put me with Jacob Seed, Hank. He locked me in this big red room and played creepy music at me! I've been _co_ _m_ _promised_ Hank!"

Hank pried Dale free of his shirt and the man slumped to the ground, still sobbing. He was filthy and dressed in ragged fatigues. Despite his smugness over being correct about Eden's Gate, Hank did feel sorry for Dale.

"Uh... Come on now, Dale." He gave Dale two light pats on the shoulder. "It can't have been all that bad..."

"There was this big, weird lookin' wolf and they told me I had to take care of it. It's a _wolf_ , Hank! The most solitary and anti-teamwork beast found in nature! I'm a pest-controller, I kill animals, I don't train 'em!" Dale choked out, almost incoherently. Hank noted that the man was covered in scratches from some large animal. "All they gave me to defend myself was a bow and arrow, Hank. I had to climb a _tree_."

"Uh... Um... There, there." Hank patted his friend again. "Well, uh, anyway, you're back now, so you and me can take down these guys! They don't sound so tough if they only have bows and arrows! We'll get some revenge by hwoopin' their asses."

Just then there was another knock at the door. Through the peephole Hank spied two more familiar faces and he opened the door.

Boomhauer stood there with Bill not far behind. Bill was dressed in a dirty sackcloth robe and had an unfocused kind of look in his eyes whilst Boomhauer was mostly unchanged except for scarring on his arm that spelled out "Lust".

"Hwell, hwell, when it rains it pours." Hank chuckled at his own observation. "Come in, Boomhauer, Bill."

"Thanks Hank..." Bill said dreamily whilst Boomhauer nodded his appreciation.

"So, what's your guys' stories then." Asked Hank, flatly.

"The ol' dagnab commercials with John, man, talkin' 'bout that 'power of YES' man I tell you wut they look like they're happy but they're dang ol' carvin' sins into their bodies man y'know, so I said 'no thank you' and dang ol' got outta dodge." Boomhauer explained.

"She was just so purty Hank." Bill said, his voice slow and slurred. "They gave me something called bliss and then I got all warm and tingly inside and Faith told me how happy she was that I was there in Eden with her... I mighta got carried away..."

"I dagnab saw Bill dancing in a dang ol' field on the way here man, lookin' high as a kite, so I grabbed him and brought him with me, dang ol' stroke o' luck there, shoot." Boomhauer completed.

"Myself and Hank are both very disappointed in you." Said Dale, walking up beside Hank and shaking his head at the two men. "Whilst I was busy infiltrating, you fell for those cultists' lies hook, line and sinker. Tsk Tsk."

Hank gave Dale a pointed glare and said "Hwell, you're here now. So let's get to work taking down these cultists."

Dale and Boomhauer nodded in approval whilst Bill stared off into a middle distance with a happy little smile on his face.

Just outside Hank saw some pickup trucks role up. They were white and all bore the symbol of the cult on them. Lots of men got out of the trucks and started walking up to Hank's house. One in particular caught Hank's eye. He was dressed better than the others and he wore sunglasses and had a goatee. His hair was tied up in a small man-bun.

Hank shook his head in annoyance as the cult-leader approached.

"Dang it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the wait. Life's been hectic recently, I'm sure it's the same for a lot of you. I wish the only responsibility I had was updating my fanfiction more frequently, but life isn't always so kind. I hope you all enjoy this new chapter, the next one will probably be the finale!


End file.
